...We have come to an end...

It's Christmas Eve, we were supposed to be going Parkway to get some last minute presents before dinner and heading to the church for midnight mass. It didn't happened that way.. Instead, the early morning of Christmas Eve, I found out something that hit me SO hard that I felt I didn't know my BB anymore and that my sky came falling down.. Around 4plus when he was fast asleep, I sneaked downstairs to meet Heng and talked to her.. I really needed someone to talk to at that point of time..

When BB woke up on Christmas Eve, i was wrapping his present (luckily it was boxed).. He was asking me who it was for and I just gave him a very moody reply, "Don't tell you." After that, he got sian too without asking me why I was sian (as usual). I went to wrap the other presents with him lying on the bed. He was showing me his attitude as well.. Not a very nice way to start off Christmas Eve but it happened..

After lunch, we talked.. I asked him about the thing I found out and it was like the smallest issue to him.. He simply replied that it was for fun but it didn't seem so.. Everything was like according to his options.. I dunno to believe him or not.. He didn't bothered to comfort me when I was crying and even asked me not to be paranoid or stop being stupid.. I was so hurt then.. Until this day, he can't understand how I work.. All I wanted was a sincere, "Nothing is wrong, BB" or simply something nice and end it up with a hug.. But no, nothing came from him.. Not even when I mentioned I wanted a break up.. He could even turn the TV on and continue watching.. I was so shocked and disappointed.. At this point, he was still interested in watching TV..

I went on to ask him what he did on Wed after hanging out with his friends.. He said he watched TV and fell asleep.. This was his Saturday story.. What he said on Thursday was he missed my call as he was in the toilet then and didn't check his hp until very much later because he was trying to email an Indonesian customer.. That Wednesday, I called him around 2plus.. He didn't pick up but sent an sms around 3plus saying he missed my call coz he was in the toilet.. You may not find it weird but because he has always called me after he comes out of the shower and when I found out that thing which I'm not supposed to, I got suspicious.. He was probably on the phone or was texting someone because his sent box was cleared..

He got angry when I said that, claimed I'm paranoid and sensitive and turned away.. I packed my things and before I left, I asked him if he has anything to say to me.. He said No, I was dashed.. At this juncture, he has nothing to say to me.. I was so hurt.. Our relationship didn't seem to have any impact on him.. I gave him a kiss and a hug and he did likewise when I asked for it.. I asked him if he still wanted this relationship, he said dunno.. I was like, Oh My Goodness! My heart was crushed.. I didn't expect him to feel this way probably because I was the one who got hurt in the 1st place..

I left, crying in a taxi all the way home.. After a while of wailing, I called him asking him if he wanted to spend this Christmas together.. He asked me if I wanted to before saying Yes.. He then went on to talk as if nothing happened.. Probably, he didn't want to rake up what has happened.. I didn't want to go for mass so he said he'll call me later.. I had thought he'll come meet me after he's done with the buying of presents so I waited..

8pm and no calls from him yet.. I called him, he seemed to be sleeping because of his blurry voice.. I asked what's the plans and he went on to say his plans.. I kinda hint to him that how nice it would be for him not to go church because right from the beginning, he gave me this impression that he's going because most of his friends will be there.. He got so mad and said he's going to church because of God and then the line got cut.. Weird coz none of us slammed the phone.. After some arguing, he said, He didn't want to see me tonight.. I was crushed once again.. He said he didn't want this relationship anymore as he was tired.. Oh my goodness.. I am the one who's tired?? I guess he was tired of the quarrelling but why can't we make it better??? I was so taken aback.. We put down the phone, I text him Thank you and blah blah.. He replied with Thank you and said We should move on.. That's it, his mind is made up.. I was so sad even though I was so tired of his nonsense.. I love him and I didn't realize that the love was so strong until yesterday..

I'm so hurt and crumbled inside.. A part of me want him back so much.. It came back to me that we were so compatible but its' all gone now.. I've really enjoyed myself my time with him.. The funny and crazy things we did.. They are all but memories now.. The other part of me is so confused.. I felt as though I'm throwing away so beautiful and wonderful and want it back so much that the incident that I found out about didn't bother me as much anymore.. I just wish he'll take some time to think through things and hopefully he'll call one day, telling me he loves me and don't wish to let me go..

I love you, BB.. I really do.. I'm sorry for the things that I've done.. At times, it kinda boost the trust I have for you and that's the only thing that I can do to regain the lost trust in our relationship.. I'm sorry for saying those things about you going to church. Take care.. I miss you so much..